Illustration: Donovan
At 38, Donovan took great pride in his life, marriage, and marital sex. He owned a small business in Chicago, was active in the community and with his two children, and was proud of his wife, their marriage, and the healthy role of sex in their life. Donovan felt that they were a good marital and sexual model for their children and was pleased his grandfather lived to see his established adult life. Donovan still tears up when he recalls the grandfather’s words two weeks before he died, “I’m proud of you and the life and family you’ve created.”
In terms of sex, Donovan valued both intimacy and eroticism and viewed his wife, Leticia, as his intimate and erotic friend. Her parents were very concerned—she had divorced after 14 months of a very tumultuous marriage to her college boyfriend. They worried that Leticia was marrying down with Donovan and that this was a rebound marriage. In fact, Donovan and Leticia had talked about these and other difficult life and relationship issues and felt ready to make a marital commitment. Sex was certainly a driver in their dating relationship. They felt desired and desirable and very much enjoyed the romantic love, passionate sex, and idealization in this phase of their relationship. However, they were aware that this special, fun time would evolve (as it does in all relationships). Both Donovan and Leticia were committed to developing a deeper, intimate, interactive couple sexual style that would be vital and satisfying.
The hardest issue for Donovan and Leticia to deal with was finding the degree of intimacy that allowed them to feel connected and be able to communicate (verbally and nonverbally) about erotic scenarios and techniques. They wanted to maintain sexual attraction and value each other as intimate, erotic friends. The danger of too little intimacy is lack of empathy and safety, and too much intimacy can cause you to de-eroticize your partner. Donovan and Leticia chose a complementary couple sexual style where each had a bridge to sexual desire and a sexual voice and preferences while also maintaining a genuine couple bond that integrated intimacy and eroticism.
Nondemand pleasuring, touching both inside and outside the bed-room, with awareness that not all touching would lead to intercourse, worked very well for them. Leticia put greater value on sensual touch and Donovan particularly enjoyed receiving manual stimulation to orgasm when Leticia was not into a mutual sexual experience.
Donovan liked the idea that there were their own as well as shared bridges to desire. Even more, he valued that sex was a way of sharing pleasure and reinforcing intimacy. He really enjoyed parenting but was very pleased that he’d had a vasectomy after the birth of his last child, so they didn’t have to worry about an unplanned pregnancy. Donovan realized that he valued sex as a tension reducer more than Leticia, but she accepted this as a legitimate, healthy function of sex. Donovan liked “quickies” and this was part of their varied sexual repertoire.
Both of them looked forward to sharing intimacy and sexuality into their 60s, 70s, and 80s. Donovan realized that it would be a different mix of intimacy and eroticism, but wanted sex to remain vital and satisfying.